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One of the greatest tools that we have to effect the way others feel is our tongue. Many a leader has attributed his ability to weather the toughest times in his life because of people willing to give encouraging words.
The Bible tells us that we are to be building one another up with our words– strengthening each other, bringing people to a closer relationship with Christ. As one flesh before God, this command is magnified in that we should be ones that draw each other with our speech.
It’s no secret that women talk more then men, and so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that the Bible has more to say about how women use their tongue in marriage than men.
Godly Wife, how do you use your tongue? Do you use it to attract or to repel? Let’s look at some passages about both:
Come, my beloved, let us go forth into the field; let us lodge in the villages. – Song of Solomon 7:11
A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. – Proverbs 12:4
Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. – Proverbs 14:1
A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. – Proverbs 19:13
A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. – Proverbs 27:15
What is the goal of how you speak to your husband? Is it to make him more attracted with you or is it to somehow boost yourself. How does your husband react to having conversation with you? Does it seem that he wants to spend more time with you, wants to be more intimate with you, or does he tend to want to spend more time away.
Men are not as simple as some women think that they are– they take a lot more verbal abuse than you think because they internalize it. Just think of the relationship you could have if you start or continue to use words that draw each other closer!
Question Idea taken from Questions for a Godly Wife
- Godly Wife: Is He Your Master?
- Godly Wife: Who Are You Seeking to Please?
- Godly Wife: Are You His Helper or His Obstacle?
- Godly Wife: Does Your Husband’s Heart Trust in You?
- Godly Wife: How Do You Handle When He is Wrong?
- Godly Wife: How do you Handle Disagreements?
- Godly Wife: How Do You Receive Correction?
- Godly Wife: Are You Drawing Him to You with Your Speech?
- Godly Wife: How Does Your Husband Grow?
- Godly Wife: Who Trains the Children?
- Godly Wife: How Do You Make Your Husband Feel?
- Godly Wife: Are You Intimately Available?
- Godly Wife: Do You Speak To Your Husband with Flattering Words?
- Godly Wife: Are You Helping Your Husband to Greater Heights?
- Godly Wife: Are You Keeping Your Wedding Vows?
- Godly Wife: Are You Openly Appreciative of Your Husband?
- Godly Wife: Do You Dominate Your Husband?
- Godly Wife: Have You Cut the Cord?
The bible is very clear about having a froward mouth and that we should keep silent. There are a few passages that tell us how we should conduct ourselves and our speech reflects who we are. What kind of example of Christ would I be if I used curse words? Not a very effective.
What we speak does make an impact.
Of course, it’s not always about swearing either, though that habit seems to be VERY common these days. I know that when I was newly-wed, I had the nasty habit of speaking poorly to my husband, and not using my words to support him and encourage him. When all he would hear from me were complaints, my words became meaningless… because he stopped wanting to listen to me. Really, I can’t imagine that I would want to listen to someone berrate me constantly either.
I had a lot to try and overcome, as I was raised in a “man hating” environment. Now, the women that I knew didn’t truly hate their men, but you couldn’t tell by their speech. Even now, I have to be careful when around a group of women who are talking poorly about their husbands. I don’t want to be tempted to dwell on the small negative things that sometimes bother me, and lose sight of the HUGE things that my husband does that are wonderful. And yet, these wonderful things begin to pale more and more when women sit around and share private things with other women, and complain about how lousey their husbands are.
All in all, I think that we (women) need to not only be careful with what we say TO our husbands, but also ABOUT them. We can either edify the ones that we love, or choose to hurt our men and act as a stumbling block to other women who are trying to break that terrible habit. 🙂
Well said, Jenna! We need to protect them and their reputation just as we would want them to protect ours. I feel safe with my dh, and he’s safe with me.
Another good post, thanks MIn.
PS, anybody notice anything different about me???
In our home it is he who talks, and I who listen. I am not the chatter box, maybe because I talk a lot at work :). But, yes, it is essential not to use your tongue in a careless manner, because words do hurt and you can never take them back. Thre is a golden rule: think before you speak – not easy, but good.
Mary – I do not know what you mean; Firefox 2.0? Being no 1 commentator? Not a clue…
Jenna, I think that your warning goes to both spouses. We definitely need to make sure that we are building our spouse up in public. I think far too many relationships have been ruined by people confiding in others about problems at home. Emotional bonds are formed that way.
Ann, trust you to think I meant #1 commenter…lol…nope, I was referring to the fact that I’ve finally downloaded FF 2.0.
I think Jenna’s warning is especially important regarding what you tell your parents, (and what he tells his parents). So many time in-laws can’t love their son-in-law/daughter-in-law unconditionally as they love their own flesh and blood and they tend to keep track of offenses. I know my friend who’s now going through a divorce at one time told me to pray if she and her husband worked things out that her family could forgive him for all he’d done. She didn’t think he could be restored to their family…and they’re a “Christian” family.
Speaking of in-laws – they are the people who raised our spouse, and they desrve our respect no matter what. It is not easy all the time, but how can we say we love our spouse when we disrespect his/her parents? Sometimes people forget…
Although I understand what you’re saying Ann, and I partly agree with it, there are definitely certain factors that make it difficult or impossible. One is if the inlaws are constantly attacking your relationship– that they are not supportive. Also, if they are constantly disrespecting you or your spouse, you may need to take some action in love that does not look like respect.
MIN are you suggesting that respect is earned rather than given freely? because if you say that we sometimes find it “impossible” to respect in-laws, then surely there are husbands out there whom it is “impossible” to respect, and if that were true God’s Word is not, because we are COMMANDED to issue respect to both parents and husbands, if it were not possible how could it be a command. (see Ephesians 5:24 and on to 6:1)
Mrs. Meg Logan
( I missed that last line about “action in love that doesn’t LOOK like respect” What do you mean by that??)
MML
I think that respect is both earned AND given. Now, in terms of honoring our parents, it’s true that it is a command due to position, but it must be balanced by the leave and cleave principle in Genesis. If my parents are talking down my wife, then I can respect their opinion– showing them honor– but I should not be siding with them against my spouse– or are you saying that I should?
My point is that, in the case of the parent that “has to be involved” or undercuts the spouse, it may be time to physically move the family further away, not be in contact with them as much, or not let them into your house– depending on what actions they take. That action may not look like respect, but it is placing something there that will allow for you to not have a chance to show disrespect.
I’m especially thinking in the cases where you have meddling parents. Am I to understand that you believe that we should just let the parents meddle, belittle and try to convince you that your spouse is wrong? My whole point was that there’s a line somewhere in there where “this is my family– I can respect your opinions, but I cannot tolerate your interventions.”
(I am blessed with wonderful inlaws, and so is my husband, so I have to speak in theory only!).
I suppose there are some parents who REALLY meddle. Who after being confronted about it in private in a non-hostile and godly way STILL meddle and disrespect your spouse. In those cases, I hesitatingly, agree that extreme measures may need to be taken. The least extreme first, until finally moving away and severing all ties. However, if that extreme action were to take place, I think we need to consider the ramifications of our decision. For example, if you remove yourself from their meddling, by leaving the vicinity, etc, what kind of an example are you being for Christ?
I think if I were in this sort of situation (and as I mentioned before, Im not), I would confer with my spouse and plan to not be offended. I would do everything in my power to overlook their offensive behavior, and to address it gently, privately, and lovingly with the “offender”, seeking reconcilliation. I would make every concession I could without turning over the reigns to the in law, so as to make them comfortable etc and to be a witness of the longsuffering and kindness of Christ. I mean to say, that the authority of the parent is severed by the unity of marriage, but the office of parent still deserves respect. I do not see these two verses as being conflicting. You can be respectful and not take their advice (or submit to their “authority”).
Would I do this perfectly? UHM NO… (i would love to say yes there, but we all know that would be a lie!) But alot can be done with our weakness in the lives of unbelievers. I would be as upfront and honest as I could be about my failures too, so that they could see how I am aware of my failings, and how I lean on Christ to succeed. I think that showing respect to even meddling parents is a very very good way to reach those lost meddlers to Christ.
Just my opinion, I’m sure there are many who will disagree.
Mrs. Meg Logan
Hence the difference between looking like you are respecting and actual honoring. If your parents tell you a certain course to take, and you take another, it does not look to your parents like you are respecting them (when, by just letting them voicing their opinion you are).
At some point, knowing our sinful nature, it comes to preventing wrong things from happening rather than putting yourself into situations where you have to test yourself. A strong Christian avoids circumstances where they have a high probability of failing.
” A strong Christian avoids situations where they have a high probability of failing”
guess that means this is handled differently depending on if you are a. a strong christian and b. likely to fail.
MML
@ Jenna: Very well said! Also, consider this: when we go about badmouthing our spouses, then stay with them, then badmouth them some more, then stay, we look crazy! If he/she’s that bad, why not leave. Then when we’ve forgiven them, others still look down upon them. Very sad that we sometimes treat the ones closest to us the worst. Thank-you Father for revelation on this issue and the opportunity and desire to do better!!!