When MInTheGap asked me to write a post about abortion he didn’t really know what he was getting into. Course, *I* didn’t really know what *I* was getting into when I decided to accept the invitation. I prayed about what to write. I mean what could I say that hasn’t already been said? What could I say that would make an impact in someone’s life? It hit me while I was chatting with the Lord during supper preparations. “Tell your story” was the answer to the question. A painful, scary answer, but since when is the Lord one to ask me to take the easy road? When I committed my life to Him, I committed my past to Him, and I promised to use my failures and my sins to glorify the Lord. So here, is my story. *disclaimer: this story contains adult content, not for young readers*
It starts in the summer after high school graduation. I recall that it was a wonderful summer, beautiful, sunny, not too hot. But I was in a dark, dark place. At the time I thought I knew the Lord, I told people that Jesus was the only way to heaven and I thought that meant I knew Him. But my life was reflecting something else entirely. The painful truth is, that while I was professing Christ, I was profaning His name with my actions.
This is what happened that summer, and the sin that consumed my whole life. It is also a story of redemption and freedom in Christ. I can’t tell you how many men I committed fornication with. To be honest, the Lord has spared me many memories. I was at the time dating a guy who I had been with for over two years. He was nice and gentle, but I was cruel to him and cheated on him many times over. The month I was to leave for college we decided to call it quits. We dated until my last day at home.
The second week at school, I started to get sick. I was two weeks late. I went to the school nurse, where the law protected me from alerting my parents to my medical health condition. She took a pregnancy test, and sure enough I was pregnant. Boy was I sick! I used drugs like LSD and drank like a fish and I was a serious smoker. I reasoned with myself that all of these things were reasons not to carry this baby to term.
I said to myself “You’re just a freshman!” I said to myself “You can’t take care of this baby!” “Think of how horrible its life would be, you’ll be sparing it!” I reasoned with myself that “You don’t even know for sure who the father is, why bother keeping it alone?” I said “You’ll never be able to take care of this baby.” I also said to myself “Your father will hate you, he’ll never take you back!” and other things to convince myself that an abortion was the only answer. I tried to convince myself that the father was the guy I dated for so long, but in my heart of hearts I knew I had no idea who the father was. I called the guy up though and told him it was his and that I had decided to abort the baby. I talked to people on campus. They all agreed that an abortion was the only answer. I never heard one person suggest to me to give the baby for adoption. I never heard one person tell me there was another way. I’m sure the devil really loved that.
I felt justified.
I went to the “doctor”. They showed me an ultrasound of the baby. I seem to recall that I had to ask to see the image. It was just a tiny dot, no bigger than a seed. I thought to myself, “that doesn’t *look* like a baby! ” And I justified my sin to myself again. I cannot say that I didn’t know better. I cannot claim that I was ignorant of who was growing within me, and what that meant. I cannot even suggest that I was just foolish and young. I knew FULL WELL that what I was doing was wrong. I didn’t care, because I wanted my *freedom*. I wanted *my life*. I wanted my choice. I wanted…
I borrowed money to have the “procedure” . I was so aware that what I was doing was wrong that I couldn’t even do it sober. They offered me “laughing gas”. I accepted. I huffed that gas, till I was high as a kite and the nurse took it away from me. Abortions are painful. It hurt physically. As soon as it was over, I went to the “recovery” room. I sat in a chair, and I held the cross on the chain on my neck and I cried so hard. A woman told me “Oh you’ll get over it hunny. It’s no big deal.” Yeah, what a lie. I’m still not over it. Every year that baby’s birthday comes along and I count one more year that I could have had a child. How old is he now? What would she be like? Every time I become pregnant, I cannot help but think again, on how I could have saved that life. I cannot help but think about one baby who never made it into the world because *I* wanted it my way. And I praise the Lord.
I praise the Lord, because He has washed me clean. I can remember that life, so small. I can remember and thank the Lord, that He has the power and the will to forgive me of such a sin. I have confessed to Him that I am a murderer, and yet He loves me. Jesus forgave me, Jesus cleaned me, and in that way I am “over” it. Because I can rest on His broad shoulders, that carried that cross for me. I can trust in Him. I can be thankful that He has blessed me with a godly husband, and a new life! He has blessed me with new babies. He has shown me how to raise them up to love Him. Jesus has been my good shepherd.
If you are considering an abortion. Let me be the one to tell you that you never get over it. It hurts. Not just physically, but gut wrenchingly. It is the most valuable gift of God outside of forgiveness, don’t throw it away. If you cannot care for a baby, there are many people out there who would love the opportunity to care for them. Yes, there is forgiveness. Please, don’t make the same choice I did. Give of yourself, so that a new life might live. Everything I told myself to justify my sin was a lie. Whatever you are telling yourself it is a lie too. God alone knows the future for that child. God alone knows what kind of life they will have. Let me be the one to tell you that there ARE other options.
If you have had an abortion and the sin is causing you great guilt, please know that there is freedom from sin and guilt in the Lord Jesus Christ, who died on the cross and shed His perfect blood for us, that we might be redeemed and brought into relationship with a perfect and holy God. If you do not know the Lord Jesus, repent of your sins. Tell Him in prayer what you have done against Him and His perfect law. Then ask Him to make you clean and to be the Lord of your heart from now on. Decide right now that you want a new life with Him and be born again. Then go find a pastor who will baptize you in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost.
If you have had an abortion and your heart is so hardened by the sin that you no longer feel remorse, I beg you to repent anyway. Ask the Lord to give you a new heart. Ask Jesus to replace that stony heart within you with one of flesh. Repent of your sin and lean on the Lord Jesus who is alone able to forgive us our sins and reconcile us to a forgiving and wholly perfect God.
If you are looking for an adoption agency or someone to support your decision to carry this child to term look here :
In His Loving Embrace,
Mom of 6