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There’s a really good reason that God said what He did in Genesis 2:23-24.
And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Because the two had become one, it was important for the new unit to leave the previous parent/child relationship in order to strengthen the bond with the new husband/wife relationship.
No doubt we’ve all heard our share of mother-in-law jokes. The reason that these abound, however, is that we all know interfering parents– not our parents or in-laws, just others. The fact of the matter is, our parents have a long relationship with us, one that is build over a long period of time. They know very little about our spouse. Therefore, they will tend to side with their own child and against the new spouse if asked to choose sides.
The question is, Godly Wife, do you give your parents the opportunity to criticize your husband? Do you point out his weak points to them, or are you united with him? They say, in politics, that the arguments between parties end at the borders (though that doesn’t seem to be the case as much now). Does any disagreement you have with your husband find its way out of your house and to your parents?
Who do you go to for advice or information? Does your parents know more about how you’re feeling or thinking than your spouse? Is he kept in the loop?
Issues of marriage are best kept between husband, wife and the Lord. I’m not saying that if there’s a sin issue there that you shouldn’t seek counseling from a pastor or parent, but what I am saying is that you need to make sure that your husband is the person that you look to for love and direction, not your mom and dad.
Question Idea taken from Questions for a Godly Wife
- Godly Wife: Is He Your Master?
- Godly Wife: Who Are You Seeking to Please?
- Godly Wife: Are You His Helper or His Obstacle?
- Godly Wife: Does Your Husband’s Heart Trust in You?
- Godly Wife: How Do You Handle When He is Wrong?
- Godly Wife: How do you Handle Disagreements?
- Godly Wife: How Do You Receive Correction?
- Godly Wife: Are You Drawing Him to You with Your Speech?
- Godly Wife: How Does Your Husband Grow?
- Godly Wife: Who Trains the Children?
- Godly Wife: How Do You Make Your Husband Feel?
- Godly Wife: Are You Intimately Available?
- Godly Wife: Do You Speak To Your Husband with Flattering Words?
- Godly Wife: Are You Helping Your Husband to Greater Heights?
- Godly Wife: Are You Keeping Your Wedding Vows?
- Godly Wife: Are You Openly Appreciative of Your Husband?
- Godly Wife: Do You Dominate Your Husband?
- Godly Wife: Have You Cut the Cord?
Greetings,
As a father with a married daughter I can tell you that this is a very real risk. It’s something that my wife and I as parents have to keep under control–maybe even more than our daughter must. It simply isn’t realistic to suggest that women cease to have a relationship with their parents (and I know that’s not what you are saying here) so it is incumbent on parents as well to be fastidious in their interactions so that they remain neutral.
Moreover, this is often a problem for husbands too and I would not want to lay this issue only at the feet of wives. In fact the Scripture you reference says that “a MAN shall leave… and cleave” and no mention at all is made of where the woman might live in relationsip to her parents.
In the end, we have to do what my mother used to tell me as a small boy: “Mind your own business.”
Grace and peace in His Name,
–Larry
You have a point, Larry. I have found that one of the hardest things to manage in my married life is location. We currently live close to both of our parents, and yet not close enough for my mother-in-law. I won’t go into it all, but suffice it to say, parents will always want their children close by, and children will react differently to this desire.
Would you say that it is more typical of the guy to want to “be his own family” or the girl?
Good reminder…I was reading it and thinking that this was one of the Godly wife things I have in good control until I read that part about keeping my husband “in the loop”…I confess in these last couple years that I’m not as good about this. I don’t know if we’re more busy, or if I’ve started determining what he really could care less about, or what. Definitely something I need to ponder.
I’m blessed on both sides…as far as the parent’s issue goes. Both dh and I have parents that mind their own business and love our spouses as their own children. That means a lot of unconditional love going around which is, imo, the best gift you can give your son/daughter-in-law.
As for your question to Larry, I think the desire to “be your own family” is equally important in my marriage. I know many women who love going home for the holidays but are more than ready to return to their own lives when it’s over. There’s just something wonderful about having your own husband and children and being the “adult” in your world again. I am curious about everyone else’s view on that question.
I used to try and do this a lot. He would make me angry and I would run to my mother and tell her what a jerk I thought he was. However, she knew how difficult I was to live with, and she would usually end up siding with him. The fact is that my parents love my husband. They’ve loved him from the first time they met him. Now, I only uplift him to them. Its just a matter of respect.
As for my mother-in-law, I’m not aware of my husband ever running to her with our problems. She tends to make up enough stuff about me that it isn’t nessary. My mother-in-law truely doesn’t know how to love and I’ve excepted that I’m no exception.
I’m the one who is more into “being our own family”. I would love it if we could spend the holidays just me and him. Create our own traditions.
“MIn”,
At the risk of being labeled something rude, I have to say that I see the desire to “have my own family” more in men than in women. The tendency to run to parents is the inverse of this and I see that more in women. (I am wearing Kevlar, so shoot away if you must 🙂 )
My point wasn’t so much a disagreement of your categorization of this in the “Godly Wife” series as it was intended to be a small counterweight to keep things balanced.
My wife and daughter find it extremely difficult to live hundreds of miles apart. So important is proximity to them that we had looked into moving near them, and it now appears that since that did not happen quickly enough, they will move near to us.
In our situation, our Lovely Lord has been renewing our family in miraculous ways and He has been merciful and compassionate in establishing greatly improved relationships as part of that renewal. Consequently now that we have something that had been lacking for a long time, we desire to experience and bask in it all the more.
This is a reat post and has yielded yet another great discussion. Thanks!
–Larry
Larry, it’s interesting to see how men and women seem to answer this question.
For Mary and Bethanie, they don’t seem to see this question the same way that we do. In my own life, I know that my wife is the one that wants to go see her mother, even though (like Mary) she does not want to stay too long because her mom tries to run things. She also likes to run things by her mother (and I admit that I sometimes run things by my father), but I don’t think that she complains about me to her mom.
I tend to agree with you, Larry. In my experience (and even stereotypically) the guy likes to be considered the head of his home and dislikes meddling parents of either side– and sometimes can be intolerant of what he sees as interference. Where I think this may be going too far, I believe that the husband and wife must circle the wagons around each other, and seek answers and growth from within.
Any other takers?
I’m stepping up to the plate here…
When I was first married, this post was a HUGE problem for my husband and I on both sides of our family. I felt that my husband and I spent most of our early marriage trying to keep one side or the other happy and usually not succeeding very well. But, my husband did a better job of separating than what I did. We finally moved to Texas, almost 2,000 miles away from both families and we had the best time in our marriage!
I won’t go into details here, but after some very sad events, I had to learn some of the lessons the hard way and it was a time of spiritual growth for me. I reset my boundaries, ‘circled the wagons’ around my husband and I…our children. It is still difficult at times, especially now that my parents have moved within a few blocks of us and my husband’s mother is still in New York. But, almost eleven years ago, I stopped the talking with my parents about my husband and told them why. They have generally respected that. Of course there are times when they don’t understand why their son-in-law does certain things, and I may agree with them…but I don’t tell them that. I try to uphold my marriage to others no matter what.
It takes such a small seed of dissatisfaction before you have a whole garden of complaints. Don’t let it start with either side of the family and quench it quickly if it does. Your husband and you have to stand united no matter what! :heart:
Deborah,
Great comment. Well done. You have the right idea for sure.
–Larry
When my husband and first married, I got along great with my in-laws, but then an animosity developed between my MIL and myself, she was trying to compete with me for my husband’s affection. After a lot of prayer (on my part) we are now great friends.
My family has always accepted my husband and there never were any problems.
Ok feeling a little conviction on this one. :blush:
:whistle: Mrs. Meg Logan