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Relationships are a lot of work, whether they are spouses, friends, or children, you have to put in the work to serve and think of someone else.
As someone who has moved around a lot since growing up, I find that it’s always an issue making new friends– partially because you never know when you’ll have to move to somewhere else and partially because everywhere you go are people that have long-held relationships.
Schools, colleges, and camps are easy places because a lot of people don’t have friend groups there. So you find that you invest in your spouse and kids… but the principles are always the same:
I’m learning that part of loving others is showing interest in the things they love. In the secular book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John M. Gottman, principle three is about turning toward each other instead of away. In his extensive studies and marriage counseling experience, Gottman has come to see that marriages that work are built on couples who respond to each other’s “bids” for attention, affection, humor, or support. These bids can be as simple as asking about what grocery items are needed, telling a joke, or showing your spouse a bird outside. Gottman encourages couples to turn towards one another by accepting these bids and responding with our attention and love. This, he says, is where true intimacy is built.
A Simple Step in Building Relationships
I believe this extends far beyond marriage and into most relationships we have—our children, our friends, co-workers, and fellow churchgoers are likewise making bids towards us for our attention and support. Paul encouraged the Philippians to follow the example of Christ and to “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Phil. 2:3–4 ESV).
So take the time and build into someone, find their interests, and get involved. You may find that you actually share that interest you’d never try– like my daughter eating shrimp and thinking it was good, until her grandmother told her what it was!
