April 13, 2024

Looking for a Pastor

The Chapel
I found this at hairlarious:

Dear Sir

We do not have a happy report to give, as we have not been able to find a suitable candidate for Pastor of this Church, though we have one promising prospect. We appreciate all the suggestions from the Church Members so we’ve followed up each one with interviews or calling at least 3 references. The following is our confidential report on the candidates:

1)- ADAM: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.

2)- NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

3)- ABRAHAM: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

4)- JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting and has a prison record.

5)- MOSES: A modest meek man, but poor communicator, stuttering at times. Some times blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier Church over a murder charge.

6)- DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered he had an affair with his neighbor’s wife.

7)- SOLOMON: Great preacher, but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.

8)- ELIJAH: Prone to depression — collapses under pressure.

9)- ELISHA: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former Church.

10)- HOSEA: A tender loving pastor, but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation.

11)- DEBORAH: Female.

12)- JEREMIAH: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.

13)- ISAIAH: On the fringe? Claims to have seen Angels in Church. Has trouble with his language.

14)- JONAH: Refused GOD’S call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

15)- AMOS: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people — might fit in better with a poor congregation.

16)- JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

17)- PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper — even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

18)- PAUL: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.

19)- TIMOTHY: Too young.

20)- YAHSHUA: Has had popular times, but once when his Church grew to 5,000 he managed to offend them all and his Church dwindled down to 12 people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And of course, he’s single.

21)- JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

Now, for bonus points, can anyone find the scripture that matches each of these statements?

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16 thoughts on “Looking for a Pastor

  1. oh dear now you’ve put up a challenge… Ok I’ll come back with some references.


  2. Starting with David and Bathsheba, 2 Samuel 11:3,4

    Solomon’s wives turned his heart away fromt he Lord for he loved many foreign women 1 Kings 11:1-4

    Not too sure about Elijah collapsing under pressure, but he lived with a widow and her son… in 1 Kings 17:15-20

    Not too sure about Elisha living with a widow, though he does visit her several times, and she does conceive a son, whose father is not mentioned…

    Hoseas wife was a prostitute… the whole book of Hosea is a testimony to his faithfulness to God in seeking her out and loving her despite her adultery. It is an allusion to Christ, and how He loves us and seeks us despite how we are adulterous to Him by loving idols instead…

    Deborah was the female judge, in Judges who even went to war, but if you read carefully you see that she is placed as judge because the men were too weak and cowardly to do it. Judges 4:1 and onward… Israel had turned away from the Lord and the Lord delivered them into captivity. Then, He delivered them out, by the hand of a woman (the woman who killed Sisera, and Deborah). It was humiliating I am sure.

    OK I’ll leave some for others to look up…

    Mrs. Meg Logan

  3. I’ll give you four points so far, Meg.
    – David, Solomon, Hosea, and Deborah

    I can’t give you Elijah because you don’t have the right thought.
    I can’t give you Elisha because there’s a key component with the widow you missed (along with no reference).

    But you’re close!

  4. Oops, I didn’t even see that challenge at the bottom, sorry! I’ll have to get back with you later on those references… 😉

  5. Well, Meg has answered 4 so I guess I’ll go for the other two.

    Elijah – (collapsing under pressure and prone to depression) I Kings 19:1-5 After defeating and killing Jezebel’s prophets, he fled from her threats to take his life, ended up in the wilderness under a juniper tree where he asks God to kill him. Later in the chapter (v.9), he has a pity party because “the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away.”

    Elisha – (lived with a single widow) I have to agree with Meg on this one – I’m not finding anything about Elisha living with a widow. He has a “prophet’s chamber” with the Shunamite woman and her husband in II Kings 4:8-37. Elijah, on the other hand, does live with a widow during a time of famine. See I Kings 17:8-16. Am I missing something?

  6. Revka, I think you’re right on Elisha. I was thinking of said prophet’s chamber– which he would have used/lived in. Did the woman’s husband die at one point, which would have made her a widow? I know there was some miracle that was performed for this lady I just can’t remember if it was her husband or a child.

    I’m still waiting for the others!

    I may have to edit the post and start giving credit to those that find the references!

    Jess– I’m glad it made you laugh!

  7. Deborah–female??? Well, it’s there in Scripture isn’t it? I guess she was just as unqualified as the rest of them (that God used!).

    Sometimes God delights in working outside the box!

  8. Well, Deborah was certainly a judge, but I can’t recall any actual Pastor’s in the New Testament being female?

    Well I can agree with you that God delights in using the weak to confound the strong, and the foolish the wise, I don’t know that I can go so far as to say that God would do something against the law that He laid out– the whole “could God make a rock so big that he couldn’t lift it” scenario.

    No additions of Scripture references for the candidates?

  9. Okay, sometimes I’m slow as molasses, but I’m back now.

    Elisha prayed for a child for the Shunamite and her husband, who were both old and childless. They received a son. After a few years, his mother sent him out to his father in the field where the boy complained of a headache. He ended up dying, and Elisha raised him back to life.

    This is going to be a long comment, so bear with me.

    Adam – wife troubles: Gen. 3:6; walking nude: more inferred than direct reference Gen 2:25 says they were naked and not ashamed, Gen 3:8 Adam and Eve hid from the Lord among the trees

    Noah – 120 years promised by the Lord in Gen 6:3. Only Noah and his family entered the Ark in Gen. 7:7

    Abraham – offered to share his wife twice, once with Pharaoh in Gen 12:11-20 and once with Abimelech in Genesis 20.

    Joesph – dream interpreting: Gen 37:5-10; Gen 40:5-13; Gen. 41:25-33; prison record: Gen:39:20-41:14

    Moses – stuttering: Ex. 4:10; temper: Num. 20:7-13 murder: Ex. 2:11-15

    David, Solomon, Elijah, Elisha, Hosea, Deborah – addressed in previous comments

    Jeremiah – emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative: too many references to list all, just read the book of Jeremiah; always lamenting things: well, he wrote the whole book of Lamentations; Buried his underwear beside a river: Jer. 13:1-5

    Isaiah – angels in church: Isaiah 6:1-3; trouble with language: Isaiah 6:5

    Jonah – refused to obey God: Jonah 1:3; swallowed by a fish: Jonah 1:17; spit up on dry land: Jonah 2:10

    Amos – backward and unpolished: Amos 1:1 (was a herdsman); hang-up against wealthy people: Amos 3:15 (the great houses will be destroyed)

    John – dress: Mt. 3:4 (clothing of camel’s hair and girdle of leather); sleeping outdoors: Mt. 3:1 (wilderness); weird diet: Mt. 3:4 (locusts and wild honey); provokes leaders: many times, including Mt. 3:7-12 when he calls them a generation of vipers

    PETER: Too blue collar: Mt. 4:18 (fisherman) Has a bad temper – even has been known to curse: Mt. 26:69-75; Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch: Gal. 2:11-16 (disagreement over mixing Jews and Gentiles); Aggressive, but a loose cannon: Jn. 18:10 (even cut off a man’s ear)

    18)- PAUL: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher: hm, just read his writings; short on tact, harsh, and unforgiving with young ministers: Acts 15:36-41 (refused to take John Mark back with him); and has been known to preach all night: Acts 20:7-12

    19)- TIMOTHY: Too young: I Tim. 4:12 – Paul told him no to let any man despise his youth.

    20)- YAHSHUA: Has had popular times, but once when his Church grew to 5,000 he managed to offend them all and his Church dwindled down to 12 people: (John 6:66). Seldom stays in one place very long: Mt. 8:20 (not even a place to sleep at night); And of course, he’s single – no particular reference for this one, just reading through His life

    21)- JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections: one of Jesus’ 12 disciples, also had contacts with the high priests (Lk. 2:24). Knows how to handle money: (John 13:29)

    I think that covers everything. If I missed something, let me know. 🙂

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