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A fourteen year old girl recently wrote to Dear Abby asking what she should do about a sixteen year old boy that wanted to date her, but her parents objected.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl, and for almost three months I have been e-mailing a 16-year-old boy I’ll call Derek. Derek tells me how much he likes me and how much he would love to date me. I feel the same way, but when I talked to my parents about it, they did not approve.
The reason is Derek’s sexual past. He was having sex in his last relationship, which lasted a little over a year. My parents are concerned that he will expect that from me.
I explained to Derek that if we were to date, I would not go that far. He respected that and promised that he would never force me to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with. I explained this to my parents, but they still don’t trust him.
What can I do to show them I’m trustworthy enough to date an older guy and I can make good decisions for myself? – NOT A CHILD IN CASCADE, MONT.
Abby did a pretty good job stating that it wasn’t their daughter that they did not trust, but the sixteen year old. She also encouraged the girl to trust her parents, which would earn trust in return.
I think that both of them hit on an important phrase in this young girl’s statement– that Derek would not do anything that the girl was not comfortable with. This shows that the girl is not aware of the principal of the gradual increase of lust.
You see, whatever it is, be it money, sex or some other thing that we want, what we get is never enough. Just ask the millionaire if he has enough money. As the junkie on drugs if he has enough.
My father taught me this principle early on in the form of a progression. If you don’t want to end up doing something that you know to be wrong, don’t do the thing that leads to it. In the case of sex, if you don’t want to be comfortable with that advance, don’t get comfortable making physical contact, being alone with the person, and doing things that would lend themselves to give you opportunities to find yourself in a situation where you could make the wrong decision.
We must learn to see the warning signs on the roads before we choose to walk down them. We must decide ahead of time what we will do so that we’re not caught up in the heat of the moment. Decisions made in those kinds of circumstances are usually the wrong ones!
I’ve talked to my two oldest daughters a lot about a ‘time and season for everything’. That when you’re in school, that is your focus…your education. When you’re in college, that is your focus, so on and so on. I’ve also tried to impress upon them that marriage is for adults…don’t be dating if you’re not ready to be married and that sex is for marriage only, don’t be having sex if you’re not married. Yes, I know ‘things’ do happen and hormones are running high during the teen years and we’ve prayed a lot about that. So far, by the mercy and grace of God we’ve had no problems.
But, I also started this WAY before their teen years…probably around nine…ten, like I’m doing with my third daughter now. This has to become a habit, the trust HAS to be built before they reach those teen years. I’ve talked EXTREMELY openly with them about the issues of today…drugs, premarital sex, how to dress long before they were interested. The training starts early. I think if you can obtain a close-knit family, one where people respect and love one another and trust one another, generally children will come back to that when ‘push comes to shove’, ie: boys pressuring for sex or peers offering drugs, etc.
The 16 year old’s response is certainly revealing by what he does not say. He does not say that he has learned that casual sex is bad for a relationship. He does not say that he believes it to be wrong to have sex outside of marriage. It is not syrprising the girl’s parents were not impressed!
At their ages these kids feel they are mature enough to handle a relationship. I know that when I was that age I thougt my mom’s beliefs and talks were archaic and backward. I was always saying to her, “Mom, this is the 80’s, not the 50’s.” Well, I just gave away my age! lol!
It is so difficult for parents in this day and age with MTV, VH1 and the Hollywood mainsream promoting sex and telling kids it’s “okay.” When they never bring out the truth about STD’s, pregnancy and the emotional pain these kids will endure.
Marriage is the only way to go.
Great post and comments. I think the parents did the right thing in not letting the daughter date this guy. I know at this age and working with college students there is a certain expectation among the students of what’s really happening behind closed doors. And I totally agree with SK’s comments about what the 16 year was NOT saying!
Definitely and interesting view. I will have to keep this one in mind. Thanks for the post.
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you guys are all so nyeve if you really think your teens are telling you the truth about their sexual history. theyre going to do whatever they want, so you just need to accept that unless you wanna stick your head in the sand like 90% of parents today
Chris? It’s naive. learn to spell.
@Jaq the spelling is irrelivant, he has a valid point (misspelled or not).
There are a great many parents who naively believe that their son or daughter is somehow different to the rest of the world, and that their values will have rubbed off on their children. Both of these are myths.
If teens want to have sex, they’ll have sex… if they want to do drugs, they’ll do drugs… if they want to shoot people from across the street because they “don’t like mondays”, you get the picture… All you can do is prepare them and help them make the decisions which will work for them.
Just because your faith helped you overcome the moments of lust in your life and get married “as god intended” doesn’t mean your kids will do the same, prepare them for modern life by discussing the emotional issues surrounding long term romantic relationships, and sexuality; and warn them of the dangers of STI’s, unplanned pregnacy, and even physical discomfort which can arise from sexual activity.
Telling a teenager what they should or shouldn’t do is a poor excuse for parenting, and rigidly enforcing such edicts is tantamount to child abuse, informing your children and shaping their opinions however is actually quite effective.
For what it’s worth, the parent’s of this particular girl probably have a valid point, however they could easily have found a middle ground which wouldn’t encourage her to engage in a relationship secretively which is where the real harm can be done.
I think the parents did the right thing in not letting the daughter date this guy.
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I think the mother and father did the fitting factor in not letting the daughter date this guy.
If your boyfriend cared about you he would stick up for you. But those are his kids. Maybe you need to talk to him about it and if you’ve tried that then maybe he’s not mature enough to handle the relationship not you.
Thanks
Katrina Kaif
obviously,the parents were right for their decision.
i think a lot about this.and now i am with a decision that education is important at dis time for you.
love is not that thing which u should take as serious at this age ,so just save your all love for the right time .
that time will be real time for your love and responsibilities with love.
I am around the young girls age and i would not date that guy anyways. His sexual history is baggage to the next relationship. In realitiy isnt dating preparation for marriage? So when you have two young people preparing for a commitment like this than bringing a loaded bag will weight down their relationship. I would like my husband and myself to refrain from these urges to be pure and enter the sacred (when preformed in the context God intended) sexual relationship together and complete with no baggage and utter pureness in sex.
@Cheyenna
To quote Voddie Baucham, dating is only glorified divorce. I think that we should “raise the bar” when it comes to our dating standards. Be in the world, but not of it. Just some food for thought.
I find it sad that this boy is judged harshly simply because he feels, or possibly felt comfortable enough with his last girlfriend, to engage in sexual activity. With only the little bit of knowledge provided by this girls letter many people have commented with their unfair assumptions.
What he did not say? Is this boy expected to know exactly every problem a girls parents might have with him. The fact he did not say specific things says nothing about who he is, He was not asked any questions that would have led to the answers some commenters are implying he would have said if he was a good guy, The girl expressed concern that he would expect sex from her but he assured her he would not pressure her to do anything she didn’t want to do.
The line “It’s not you I don’t trust, it’s him” is laughable. Surely people can see how untrue a statement like that can be. Has anything like that ever been said to you? Did it sound truthful when it was told to you??
My first girlfriend when I was a teenager said something just like that when she didn’t want me to hang out with any of my female friends anymore. The fact is. It had to have also been me that she did not trust at some level since I could simply say no if one of my female friends had tried to make moves on me.
Me and my first girlfriend also did not have sex for she was not comfortable with it. I desired to have sex with her which is a natural desire when you are with someone your really like, but I never forced or pressured her in any way to have sex. It was important we both felt completely ready.
We are not simply animals. Lust can be controlled. True love is much stronger anyway. It is sad so many people do not understand.
Unless these parents are worried that he is going to physically force her, how can it be said that it is not the daughters that is not being trusted??
And about this principal of the gradual increase of lust. This is a terrible condemnation. If by mentioning this gradual increase of lust as a way of saying that the boy, or possibly girl, will be unable to help themselves. I say that is a terrible untrue assumption. It is simply a possibility that is being treated here as a certainty.
Millionaires can be very giving. Founding charities helping the poor or homeless, etc, they are not all greedy always needing more money. There are people addicted to drugs who come clean every day and never touch the stuff again. They make a choice and an effort to be better people. The faith in people here seems almost non-existent. Condemning individual people to stereotypes is sick and I want no part of it.
This boy and girl may be great together. Best friends that may lead to so much more. Her parents can keep judging every boy she shows interest in by their past reputations but it isn’t necessarily going to stop her. It will probably get to the point that the girl is fed up with her parent’s quick to final judgement attitude, without truly knowing the situation, and she will rebel. Even young people eventually can open their eyes to their parents ignorance. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Judge not lest ye be judged. This boy is condemned and judged simply because he had sex with a past girlfriend.
Now he can no longer be trusted. He cannot contain his lust. And will eventually begin to pressure the girl into having sex. And if he succeeds no fault will rest on the girl obviously. Because it is the boy who cannot be trusted. Don’t you see what I see even a little bit? How little facts and how much unfair assumption is spewed here.
And one person’s comment that they would not date him because of his sexual history baggage. To me that comes across as shallow. WIthout even knowing this person, without meeting them you judge him and judge the girls opinion when you can’t have any idea what it is like in either of their shoes. You don’t know their relationship or how long they have known each other. Assuming the worst or best in people based on one event is the path of ignorance. Walking that path is a fools journey.
These protective parents may have their daughter’s safety at heart but forbidding her from dating someone simply on the fact that he has had sex in a past relationship and nothing else probably isn’t going to convince her that they truly know best. And reinforce the thought that they think they know best and are unreasonable and in turn pointless to talk to about serious issues.
It is like telling your kids lies about a certain drug to make it seem worse than it is so they will avoid it. Then if the kids happen to try that drug to find parts of what their parents told them to be untrue, they will begin to think more things their parents warned them about are also untruthful. So when their parents tell them that marijuana will kill them and they learn that it is not at all lethal. They may not believe it when their parents tell them that heroin is extremely dangerous and can kill you or that LSD can trick you into doing stupid possibly lethal things without knowing it.
I understand wanting to protect your children. But I think it has to be dealt with properly or it can backfire and lead to much worse issues. Forbidding two people from being together who may be, or may grow to be, deeply in love based only on the assumption of what will happen in the future is, in my eyes, ludicrous.
Express your concern with your child! Tell them how you feel! Tell them your worries. But let them make their own decisions. At least when it isn’t a life or death decision you have to take a step back.
That’s only my opinion but I have seen many times parents who won’t step back ending up with children who take two steps away instead. And when that happens parents can only do less to protect their children.